Perhaps one of the most insidious stereotypes about bisexuality is the assumption of availability. “You’re bi? Wanna have a threesome with me and my girlfriend?” It’s kind of the natural extension of other stereotypes – the fickle and indecisive bisexual and the promiscuous bisexual; but it’s also worse. It’s worse because the fickle, indecisive, promiscuous bisexual still has some agency to choose who they want to sleep with. The assumption of availability, the suggestion that just because I don’t discriminate on the basis of gender in who I’m attracted to I must automatically be attracted to everyone is insulting and downright creepy.
I don’t know if this is something bi men experience in the same way or as much as bi women (something to talk about later in the week). But society’s general attitude to women as sex objects is magnified and intensified when it comes to bisexual women. This is a particularly damaging attitude in the case of bisexual survivors of rape and sexual assault. It’s yet another victim-blaming stick to beat women with.
So if a friend ever comes out as bi to you, do them the common courtesy of not assuming they must automatically be attracted to you. And if you’ve ever asked a bi friend if they want to have a threesome with you and your girlfriend, please do apologise.
ETA
Some key points from the discussion on @TwkLGBTQ:
As Charlie Hale points out, some bisexuals will want threesomes – but that’s not because their bisexual. It’s the distinction between bisexuality and polyamory that’s important – they are different things, independent of each other. They are neither always found together nor mutually exclusive.
@inkiebird pointed out that she didn’t mind people who actually understood polyamory assuming she was poly. It was the assumption that the bisexuality equalled dishonesty and cheating that was the most damaging. The other interesting insight she shared was that she had her sexuality questioned a lot less when she rejected men than when she rejected women.
One of the things I struggle with in some more uptight settings is explaining that bi != poly without throwing poly people under the bus. Some spaces are so closed that even saying something like “You know what, some bisexuals are polyamorous, so are some monosexuals, and that’s perfectly fine. I myself am monogamous.” will get you judged. I’ve had to work on my language a few times to make sure I was addressing stereotypes about bisexuality in a way that left a non-judgmental space for poly folks.
Apparently one way to get propositioned for a threesome is to be asked “Do you have a friend?” Well, let me tell you, I have many dear and good friends. *points at collection of tall, looming, grumpy-looking goths*
A couple of people pointed out that gays and lesbians suffer from similar assumptions. Female same-sex couples often get propositioned by random men, regardless of orientation. And there’s a homophobic assumption that all gay people must automatically be attracted to all members of the same sex.
We also briefly touched on the question whether polyamory is an orientation or a practice. The answer is apparently both, at least for some people.
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