“My son saw me in a pink shirt this morning,” my team leader says at the team meeting, “and said I looked like a right poof.” Everyone laughs.
A side effect of bi-invisibility for those of us in “straight” relationships is “assumed heterosexual” privilege. On cursory inspection, we look like a duck and we quack like a duck so we’re assumed to be ducks. An interesting consequence of this is that people will not self-censor their homophobia when speaking to us. When I was less visible about my sexual orientation, comments like the one above used to be a frequent occurrence in my environment. They were never directed at me, and that was almost worse. I can deal with being the direct target of discrimination and harassment; but being there in the room as those things were said made me feel complicit. So I started challenging them and started being a lot more visible as a bisexual and member of the LGBT community.
There are other “perks” of assumed heterosexual privilege. While they’re not as extensive as the full heterosexual privilege list, they’re still significant. I could, theoretically, be engaged and active on LGBT issues while “passing” as a straight ally. In some ways, it would lend me more credibility. It would also make me feel fraudulent and dishonest. Pretty much all of the causes I’m engaged in, and all my writing, are personal to me in some way. To deny – or omit – my sexual orientation would be to deny part of who I am.
It’s easy to forget, ignore and exclude bisexual people – deliberately or accidentally. Those of us who are out and visible as bisexuals can help remind people that we are all still here, and that we need inclusion too!
[Parts of this are taken from another post, ‘Why I “flaunt my sexuality”‘.]
ETA
A couple of points struck me in the discussion on this.
@nanayasleeps said “passing” made her feel “weird as fuck”. “Because I always loathe being misrepresented. I’d rather be disliked as myself than liked as something not-me.” That really rang true for me.
A few people appreciated the peace and quiet of being able to pass at least in some contexts – it’s nice not to be fighting a battle all the time, even if in other areas of their lives they were out and proud. For some, passing was a necessity.
@DrNeevil said her experience growing up where sexuality could get you imprisoned made her more determined to be out and visible even if she does have the option to pass.
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