Greedy. Indecisive. Promiscuous. Fashionably bi. Gay till graduation. Just a phase. Scared of coming out as “properly” gay. Sexual orientation is irrelevant unless you act on it. There’s a real story behind each of these. A real human being. And for good reasons.
Our media tells us that men find women snogging other women hot, and even more importantly that being found hot by men is the single most important thing a woman should care about. Don’t be surprised when women bow to that pressure and snog other women in bars to attract male attention.
Our culture and media also still tell us (sometimes) that being gay is very very bad. Don’t be surprised when people bow to that pressure and feel safer adopting the bi label.
Oh, and by the way? Some of are polyamorous. Some of us are promiscuous. Some of us are sluts. So what? There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a healthy and varied sex life. Equally some of us are in committed, long-term, monogamous relationships; some with people of the same sex, some with people of the opposite sex. That doesn’t make us any less bisexual.
Some of us experiment in college and find the social pressure once we’ve left that safe environment too much to deal with. Some of us meet the love of our lives in college. If they’re of the same sex, that doesn’t mean we’re now “proper gay”. If they’re of the opposite sex, that doesn’t mean we’ve gone straight either.
Hey, you know what? Some of have only ever slept with people on one gender. And not even that makes us any less bisexual. Much like gay people who married someone of the opposite sex to keep appearances aren’t any less gay for it. Much like straight people who’ve never had sex aren’t asexual. A lot of the time sexuality is a question of identity, not always or necessarily action. It still matters, we still experience the world differently to other people, it’s still relevant.
There is a certain temptation to fight all the stereotypes, try to make ourselves look as similar to “normal” people as possible. As damaging as stereotypes are, it is hugely important to remember that behind every stereotype there is a real human story – that is in fact why they are so damaging. Ultimately, denying that some bisexuals are that way is throwing parts of our community under the bus. It’s also a lose-lose proposition. If we try to look more “straight” we will get flak from lesbians and gays. If we try to look more “gay”, we’ll get flak from many straight people. To me, being out and proud, and embracing the diversity within our community is the only sensible way forward.
ETA
Well, that seemed to strike a chord with people. Let me try to catalog at least some of the stereotypes and how people felt about them.
Confused and/or fickle. Strangely not a charge ever leveled at monosexual people who like both blondes and redheads.
Bi men are really gay men in denial, or too cowardly to come out as gay. Bi women do it for the attention. Given how negative that attention can be from both straight and gay people, I wouldn’t recommend it.
Greedy. Promiscuous. Slutty. Which, you know, some bisexuals are that way, and that’s perfectly fine. But some aren’t. Certainly the polyamorous people who commented felt that being bi and being poly were completely independent facets of their personality; and a lot of monogamous bisexuals were deeply annoyed by the fact that people assumed they couldn’t be faithful in relationships.
A number of people had been rejected by potential partners once they’d come out. We briefly touched on whether we “should” come out to potential partners up front – and arrived at the unanimous conclusion that no one was under any obligation to reveal their sexual orientation to anyone.
The slutty stereotype gets even more damaging when people start assuming that just because you’re bi you automatically fancy everyone, or fancy them. “You’re a bi girl? Threesomes!!” Both monogamous and polyamorous people found that one annoying. I’ll come back to that assumption of availability later in the week.
The assumed correlation between the gender of a current partner and sexual orientation also annoyed a lot of people. Particularly because previous or other relationships were dismissed and seen as unimportant (“just a phase”). Someone pointed out that this gets even worse once you have kids in an opposite-sex relationship – any bi identity you might have clung on to until then gets automatically erased.
There was also a sense that the QUILTBAG community didn’t look particularly favourably on bi people (and especially women) in opposite-sex relationships. As @the_eumelia pointed out, it feels ‘[a]s though they’re “abandoning” the community. When really it’s “the community” that abandons them.’
I did love @flyingteacosy’s point about how it wasn’t necessarily the stereotypes themselves that were annoying but how we are measured against them. “Like I’m either Not Like All Those Others, or I’m just a certain way ’cause I’m bi.. not because I’m just me.”
One concept that seemed to spark a lot of ideas and side conversations was the distinction between sexual orientation and romantic orientation. This seemed to ring true for a lot of people who suddenly had the words to better explain how they felt.
An interesting conversation flowed from this around some bisexual women in particular who are sexually attracted to more than one gender but tend to be romantically attracted to men. A couple of women wondered whether this was a socially conditioned response, a reflection that in our heteronormative society it is “easier” to have an opposite-sex relationship. This of course also plays into the stereotype of bi women in opposite-sex relationships somehow abandoning the community. It’s a tough one to unpick, and I love how openly people shared their experiences and views.
Leading on from that, a few people also shared experiences of partners and ex-partners saying they would feel more hurt if the person left them for someone of a different gender. Someone summed this up nicely: “Love is love and heartache is heartache.”
Of course, one person’s evil, hated stereotype is another person’s cherished identity. Some people loved the word fluid in connection with their sexual orientation, others hated it. Some happily embrace and reclaim the word slut, while others try to distance themselves from it. I do love that for the most part we are having remarkably respectful, insightful conversations about subjects that can be incredibly difficult.
And here are a bunch of interesting links people shared:
Something on the different types of love the ancient Greeks recognised.
Another piece on how “bisexual” doesn’t have to mean “binary”.
What about the B in LGBT?
Yes, I really am bisexual, deal with it! (The one with the “I am not 4% lesbian” quote.)
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