Coming out as bi is an interesting experience. You think you have to keep coming out as lesbian or gay? Try being bi, in any type of relationship! The first person I came out to was my then long-term boyfriend. And interestingly, I didn’t use the identity word (I’m bi), I used action words (I would sleep with women/I am attracted to this woman). I started dropping enough hints around my highschool friends that they figured it out. I think the first person to actually apply the bi label to me out loud was one of my friends. I certainly really struggled to say “I am bisexual” for a very long time. But I implied it heavily enough that my uni friends knew.
Coming out in the workplace, when I’ve been with my current – opposite-sex – partner for longer than I’ve been with my employer, is a whole other bundle of fun. Best reaction: “Why are you in the LGBT network? You’re not L, G, or…” – from straight and gay colleagues. Even though I was heavily involved with the internal running of our LGBT network, for years I wouldn’t actually speak about it outside the network. I was worried I would confuse people and detract from the network’s main messages with my issues which I perceived as fairly minor and unimportant.
In some ways I needed to be given permission to speak. Things that did that for me: talking to bi friends who listened and shared their own experiences – and I realised they were similar; the Bisexuality report; ending up leading the the LGBT network when my colleague left the company; the Stonewall Leadership Programme. I remember the first time I stood up in front of a bunch of straight colleagues who knew me as “Mili who’s been with Paul forever” and talked about LGBT issues; and the awkward conversations I had with them over dinner afterwards. These days I start conference speeches with “My name is Mili and I’m the only bisexual in the village”. But it’s been a journey.
Last year I realised that not being out to my family was beginning to have a very significant negative impact on my relationship with them. I was very public about being bi all over the Internet, at work, and with my friends, but not with my parents. (Note: this only works if your parents don’t speak English.) As more of my charity work and parts of my day job started to revolve around LGBT rights, there were huge chunks of my life I couldn’t talk to my family about. At Christmas, I came out to my Mum. I’m still not sure how I feel about how she reacted – that one’s still work in progress.
ETA
A few common themes on coming out as bisexual from the discussion on Twitter…
Having to remind people incessantly. Having to tell them again and again.
Having our identities questioned, particularly if we are in “straight” relationships.
Referring to past relationships rather than to identity.
“The stigma of ‘bi’ is different to the stigma of ‘gay’.”
Feeling like coming out as bi is just making unnecessary fuss.
Not hiding but not going out of your way to “inform” people.
Fear for your safety.
Coming out as a political act.
Other people’s reactions vary hugely.
The boyfriend who forgot.
The hug.
The snarky biphobic and homophobic comments.
The friends who walk away.
The people who tell you it’s irrelevant.
The mind-reading mothers.
A lot of people saw coming out to family as especially difficult.
“It’s just left unsaid and it’s been so long, it would be weird to do it now.”
“I was raised not to hide important things, but I’m almost 23. How do I explain this now?”
Sometimes one parent is more difficult to tell than the other.
Do keep sharing your stories, either in the comments here or on Twitter.
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